


cereal box

by needacuddle



Series: learning to live without you [2]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Gen, M/M, Panic Attack, coping with loss, parent!phan, tw death, tw parent death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-24
Updated: 2020-09-24
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:46:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26626945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/needacuddle/pseuds/needacuddle
Summary: phil finds dan’s cereal, and all of the memories - good and bad - come flooding back.(tw, this story involves a panic attack, so be cautious reading it if that could affect you, or don’t read this. stay safe pls <3)
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Series: learning to live without you [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1792963
Comments: 3
Kudos: 17





	cereal box

It had been two months since the worst day of his life. Two months since he lost Dan, since he watched the love of his life disappear. The hardest two months he’d ever had to live through.

Part of him didn’t understand how he survived. How was he living without his other half? How was it fair that he got to keep living but Dan had to die?

The other part of him knew he was surviving for her. His girl.  _ Their  _ girl. Winnie. He was alive because of her. He wanted to be there for her since Dan couldn’t. He heard her cries at night, when she had to somehow fall asleep without a hug from one of her dads or when she didn’t get to hear Dan making up silly voices for different characters in her bedtime story. He saw how she hugged him extra tightly because she was so, so afraid of losing him too.

“Hey, bub,” Phil smiled as his child came into the kitchen for breakfast. “Did you sleep okay?”

Winnie shook her head.

Of course she didn’t sleep okay. How the fuck was she supposed to when thoughts of death crept into her mind every night? Or fears that her dad wouldn’t wake up, or fears that she wouldn’t wake up and he would have to find her like that? No one should be expected to just be okay with thoughts like that, especially not a fucking five year old.

“I know,” Phil sighed. “I’m sorry.” His smile faded and he opened his arms for her. She ran into them and he held her tightly, rubbing little circles on her back as she cried. “Hey, princess.. you want some cereal? Maybe it’ll make you feel better.”

“I guess, Papa. I’m a little hungry.”

He nodded, letting go of her and going over to the counter where they kept their cereal boxes. He watched as she went into the lounge, smiling a bit when he noticed she’d stopped crying. She seemed okay, even if it was just a bit. A bit was more than nothing and with everything she went through the last two months, a bit meant healing. Phil turned back to the cereal and grabbed the box of Lucky Charms and a bowl from the cupboard. He started to pour them into the bowl until he caught sight of another cereal box.

Crunchy Nut. It was tucked into the corner, untouched for two months.

It was Dan’s cereal. The cereal he would yell at Phil for sneaking bites of in the middle of the night. The cereal he loved and ate almost every morning. It was Crunchy fucking Nut, and it was a painful reminder that Dan was gone.

He hadn’t seen anyone touch that cereal box for two months, because Dan was the only one who was supposed to touch it. He couldn’t ever bring himself to steal cereal — it wasn’t fun without Dan yelling at him to stop eating his cereal, and it wasn’t fun without the two of them laughing afterwards because they knew it was basically just a joke between them. Dan didn’t really care about Phil eating his cereal and they both knew that. It was just fun to yell at him sometimes.

Was. Ths word was bitter on Phil’s tongue. Dan  _ was _ . It  _ was  _ Dan’s cereal. It should’ve still been his cereal, and Phil should still be eating it at three in the morning to mess with Dan.

He couldn’t move. He couldn’t pick up the Lucky Charms to finish making Winnie’s cereal, he couldn’t walk away from the kitchen. He heard someone crying, but it didn’t seem like him. (It was him.) He was shaking and it felt like he was suffocating. He couldn’t breathe, but he was hyperventilating. He let himself fall to the ground and he pulled his knees to his chest and just cried.

“I’m fine, it’s just cereal.” He tried to tell himself, but he wasn’t fine. He was paralyzed with fear or something, he was shaking like he locked himself outside in the middle of a snowstorm, and he felt breathless. His ribs were somehow aching, like his lungs didn’t fit inside anymore.

“Papa?”

He heard someone speak from a few feet away, but it echoed like they were halfway across the world. It took him a minute, but he finally connected the voice to his own child’s.

“W—” He tried to say her name, but nothing came out. Or something came out? He didn’t know.

“Are you okay? I’m right here, I’m here, Papa! I got you, you’re gonna be okay.”

Phil felt himself nod, and he felt her grab his hands. He was coming back to his senses, perhaps. He felt her holding onto him, even though his vision was blurred and he only saw a faded version of his daughter.

“What happened? Are.. are you alright? You’re scaring me, Papa.”

“I-I, uh.. cereal,” was all he managed to get out. Winnie tilted her head in confusion and stood up, seeing the half full bowl of Lucky Charms. Then she noticed that corner where her dad’s cereal was. Crunchy Nut.

“Oh, Daddy’s cereal.”

Phil nodded as Winnie bent down again and held his hands tightly. “It’s okay, I’m right here. You got this.”

Winnie wasn’t sure what to do, but she wanted to be there for him. She bit her lip, trying to think of what to say next. “You.. you want to talk about something that makes you laugh? Or.. or we can talk about our favorite happy memories of Daddy. You always love happy memories, right?”

“Yeah,” Phil responded, and Winnie just smiled. A response meant he heard her, like he was finding his way out of his mind. Winnie thought of stories she could remind Phil of as she held his hands, and his breathing seemed to ease as she did. Once she thought of a story, she slowly let go of his hands and wrapped her arms around him.

“Let’s see, happy memories,” she started. “Uh, you guys told me this story all the time, Papa. When Daddy went to his first pride, and he was so happy that day. And you said he came home and told you everything, like how he wanted to bring his future child to pride and dress them in a rainbow outfit and paint their face with rainbows and carry them through the whole thing. And then you guys chose me to be your child when I was two, and a few months later you took me to pride with a rainbow tutu and rainbow sparkles all over my face! And you let me color my hair! And Daddy had me on his shoulders during the parade, and you held my hand and I said I was taller than you.”

“I-I remember that,” he smiled. It seemed like he’d escaped his mind with Winnie’s story, and now he was trying hard to remember that day they took her to pride for the first time.

“Are you feeling better?” Winnie asked him, her voice gentle and sweet. He nodded slightly, and she slowly pulled her arms off of him and stood up. She grabbed the box of Crunchy Nut and ran up to her dads’ bedroom, putting it into Dan’s memory box of all his things.

_ Maybe this way it won’t catch us off guard, like we’ll be expecting it.  _ The five year old thought to herself, before running back to Phil’s side and reaching for his hands again. “It’s with Daddy’s things now, so it won’t scare you.”

Phil nodded, holding onto his daughter tightly. He was so, so grateful for her. He had no idea how she knew just what to do to help him out of his terrifying, panicked brain, but he was so happy she did. He was still not completely back to reality, but this time he was perhaps reminiscing about the story she reminded him of. It kept him distracted from seeing the cereal box out of nowhere. “Do you know how lucky I am to have you?”

“I don’t knowwww!” Winnie giggled, looking up at him.

“I’m the luckiest person ever.”

“You’re okay now, Papa?”

“I’m trying to be, bub.”

“What happened?” She asked. “Unless you don’t want to be reminded, because it was scary.”

“It’s fine, Win,” he responded. “I just saw his cereal box, and I realized I would never again get to see Daddy laugh as he attempted to yell at me for stealing his cereal at three in the morning. It made me sad, and I felt a little overwhelmed by that thought.”

Winnie’s smile faded. “I’m sorry, Papa.” She hugged him tightly and buried her face in his neck.

“Don’t be sorry,” Phil shook his head, lifting her chin up and smiling gently at his five year old. “You helped me realize that I’m lucky to have that memory in the first place, Daddy jokingly yelling at me.”

“How did  _ I  _ help you?” 

“Your story about Daddy at pride, bubs. It’s a happy memory, and it reminded me that even though he’s not here anymore… he did get to experience these things with me, and you. He lived his life the best he could.”

Winnie tilted her head to the side, eyes bright as she listened to her father speak.

“His happy place was us, and now he’s our happy place — the place we go to when we’re sad. And  _ you _ helped me get there, little one.”

She blushed slightly, hugging him again. “It’s because I love youuu.”

Phil smiled, holding her tightly. His happy place was Dan and Winnie, and no cereal box was going to ruin that.

**Author's Note:**

> uhhh i don’t know how to write i’m sorry
> 
> twitter - thisnightbydan


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